Well it’s just about time for the annual exhibition of high tech, high revs, low gear screaming impotence that is the Monaco F1 GP. Why is such kudos attached to this race, after all, the track has been unsuitable for F1 cars for at least the past 30 years, the safety regime would be tolerated nowhere else, anyone who can afford it, and let’s face it that’s most of them, evacuate the Principality because of the intrusion the circus represents, and once again, this would not be tolerated anywhere else. It is not a TV spectacular, it surely can’t be a test of driver skill otherwise there would be many other street circuits on the calendar to justify their boast of being ‘the best drivers in the world’ wouldn’t there?

So these cars, which are the ultimate development of petrol engine technology, capable, if properly geared, of 250 mph+ and, so it’s claimed, of downforce which would allow it to run along your ceiling at some ridiculously low speed (still waiting for one of the ‘best drivers in the world’ to pop round to demo that one) are obliged to tool around these back streets at an average speed that must be less than two thirds that of any other circuit.

I can only imagine it as a precursor of the way F1 has now become at all circuits, a very noisy exercise in futility, because for years before it was accepted as the status quo at all circuits, Monaco showed the way – no overtaking.

So it has history and a few famous turns. Let me put a few names to you Siberia, Haysheds, Craner Curves, Arrabbiata, Clark Curve, Paddock Hill and many others, you may not be familiar with them because only Moto GP or Superbikes race around them, you could do worse than check them out and seeing some overtaking, see the racers going about the business of getting the power to the ground rather than just a motionless head sticking out of a cockpit.

Yes it’s easy to be cynical and sniffy about BB(so I will be) and I understand that I’m not the target audience and over the years I have exercised the simple expedient of watching something else, it’s not difficult, there’s plenty of choice out there in the land of digital TV, not to mention radical departures such as reading, gardening or, if push comes to shove, indulging in a conversation with your teenage kids. But it’s not that easy to evade this pervasive crap, BBC radio carries reports, daily newspapers headline it, it’s all over the online section of my cell phone like a cheap suit and a certain confectionery company seems eager not only to ram their product down my throat but also a ticket to get me into this menagerie! I have no wish to see these people parade their neuroses and psychoses on TV, I would rather eat my own foot than witness this circus first hand, let alone contribute to it. There is an old, old joke about physiatrists now carrying out their experiments on lawyers as there are some things that rats just won’t do, I think we can now substitute BB inmates for lawyers. On the subject of trick cyclists, just how does being present and observing people effectively self harming square with the Hippocratic Oath? In the event that one of the inmates does themselves some serious damage, an outcome which the production company seems to regard as no more than just another commercial risk, with upside and downside, what will the GMC’s view be on these characters sitting on their hands whilst it all goes down? I understand that the trick cyclists are available to offer help when these poor unfortunates are done in the house, how about fully addressing any issues before they go in and then see how many actually choose to expose themselves to this prurient scrutiny?

Must confess I was beginning to lose sleep over the vicissitudes of the Home Office. Is this now the political purgatory which used to be the preserve of the Northern Ireland office, for this can no longer be the case if a lightweight such as Peter Hain can hold down the job on a part time basis? Although a part time requirement is all that is needed I suppose when dealing with Dr Paisley as any initiative will be met with his usual loquacious and considered rejoinder, ‘No!’. But back to the department overseen by our reconstructed communist, John Reid. I’m now buoyed by the appointment of such an ambitious politico as Mr Reid, the more so when he describes his department, in so many words, as a pile of rancid camel droppings. When such criticism comes from one who is trying to position himself as more than just a bystander when the torch is passed by our revered President, then you can be assured that, no matter what, his fiefdom will be squeaky clean by the time this event occurs and this can only occur in the short term if the starting point is far higher than Reid and recent revelations would have us believe.

Then again, he could just be another incompetent. Nurse, the Nembutal again please!

Those unarguable qualities that make us all what we are today, can’t imagine why someone hasn’t thought of teaching them in school sooner. So few, so easily codified and quantified and inserted into all that slack time left in the existing wafer thin curriculum.

Let’s start the list with a few of the easier ones; fairplay, driving on the left, an innate expectation of maritime supremacy, queuing, an overweening interest in the weather, hypochondria, looking down your nose at someone who is unable to refute any argument by quoting Shakespeare, caring more for animals than children, getting your religious underwear in an uproar over that piece of pap, The daVinci Code, depriving pensioners of dignity in retirement, eccentricity, tolerance, standing for the national anthem, perfidy, apologising instantly over anything which harks back to our colonial past, feeling the urge to smack in gob the next politician who refers to ‘decent, hard working families’, rabid stereotyping, kissing up to the US of A, observation of hose pipe bans, sarcasm, being good losers.

That should be enough to be going with kids, get those down pat by the end of the lesson and pick up your new timetable on the way out, from which you’ll be gratified to learn that the ‘school day’ is now every day of the week from 5.30 a.m. to 10.30 p.m. and the summer holiday is between 4.00-4.15 on 17th August.

Jamie Oliver, for surely it can’t be long before someone starts a campaign on behalf of the jumped up, blowhard barrow-boy? Not being RC myself I have to ask the question, would he need to be dead before this process can begin? If so it’s starting to take on an attraction I hadn’t previously recognised. I had thought that the sound bites and column inches had come to an end in the middle of last year once it was universally acknowledged that the pied piper of Clavering had led the children of this country from the desperate school meals lowlands of turkey twislers to the culinary highland of, well, somewhere else of his own definition. Maybe he is proposing that all school children be served that fine old stand-by, beans (salt & sugar content? Let’s not go there!!) on toast? So that’ll be £7 a head then won’t it Jamie? And of course £15000 to the dinner ladies in charge of providing this delight. So currently the spend per dinner is as low as 31p per head therefore the budget will require a boost of approx. 2200% in order to cover this cost. This could, in all likelihood, cost even more than you get for a couple of those self aggrandising, capering ads you do for that well known, second rank supermarket chain.

My recollection of school meals was that they were only ever substantial, never particularly nutritious, healthy or tasty, sometimes not even warm. That this should change was never in doubt, but you weren’t the first to campaign for this change barrow-boy, not even the 101st and whilst I applaud the use of celebrity as a catalyst for change, if there really is no other way, once the change has been effected then let that be an end to it. Only that’s not the way it works with celebrity, any achievement brought about needs to be rehashed, recycled and regurgitated ad nauseum so that we can be reminded what fine fellows these celebs are lest we begin to imagine that so many of them could be no more than puffed up chuckleheads.

So, off back to the kitchen with you, back to pimping Sainsbury’s, playing with your Kenwood chef and working on that, oh so last decade, cockney accent. End of?

When he plays in left field for the San Francisco Giants, step forward Mr Barry Bonds! It’s just so obvious he’s a drugs cheat, it’s just that no one can ‘prove’ it, just as obviously, to some people, is that he is the victim of a, possibly racially motivated, witchunt. But what is patently obvious to all is that Major League Baseball has it’s head even further up it’s arse than usual in trying to cut this particular Gordian Knot.

Commissioner of Baseball, Bud (Lite) Selig, has asked former Senator George Mitchell to look into the use of performance enhancing drugs in baseball, in response to BALCO, but in particular Bonds connection with BALCO because the mud just won’t stop sticking to this guy. Quite why the comish needs to go outside the organisation of baseball to attempt to find the answer to this question might seem a valid query to an outsider, but anyone who takes more than a passing interest in the game knows that if the past drugs testing regime had become a joke then that would have represented an upgrade! But as it stands it appears to form part of the conundrum because whilst testing took place, the results were confidential between the player tested and MLB. MLB would have a stern word with anyone failing a test and then they would be free to carry on, but the breadth of the testing and the substances which were not tested for or were not deemed to be ‘illegal’ was so great that the tests were not even a sop. But even so they were confidential and one has to assume that even if Bonds was stupid enough to get caught within this laughable testing process then confidentiality will still apply and Mitchell is not in a position to make judgement on the basis of what he finds in these records, if he even has access.

Bonds has sat in front of a Grand Jury in connection with BALCO and the authors of a book called Game of Shadows claim to obtained transcripts of his testimony and these are quite damming apparently. Yet if MLB’s drug testing records are confidential, then these transcripts certainly are and can surely be ascribed the quality of hearsay only for Mitchell’s purposes? Which leaves him with what, on which to pronounce? Well, very little of substance I suspect short of popping along to see Baz and asking for a note authorising his pharmacist to let Mitchell have his shopping list for the past 5 years.

In the meantime Bonds plays on, threatening the most hallowed records in American sport and MLB contemplates the depth of the hole it dug for itself by launching an enquiry which cannot produce credible or creditable results in the eyes of the majority of baseball fans, whichever side of the fence you reside.

I think most people would associate anything approaching a whine with a high revving four cylinder bike but it appears that those arch manufacturers of twins, Ducati, want to have a whine of their own. Heard this rumour/proposal a while ago and still don’t know how true it is. I’m sure they have their reasons but it’s hard to find much by way of validity for increasing the capacity of twins to 1200cc with fours staying at 1000cc.

It may be parochial to suggest that after WSB the most important superbike based championship is BSB and who are romping away with both? No prizes here, it’s Ducati so why would they want a further huge advantage other than to be able to shift more of there overpriced machinery? I don’t doubt that the 999 engine it approaching the end of it’s development cycle and they would like to decrease their salary budget for riders by the simple expedient of acquiring a 20% capacity advantage and commensurate power gains so that they can plonk any stiff on one of their machines and continue to win championships. Is it any surprise that the WSB rights holder is Italian, the single make tyre provider is Italian also then why not leverage this hegemony and return WSB to a Ducati cup once again? Well because the Japanese will walk away, if they have any sense, Foggy Petronas may not be around much longer any way, which won’t leave much by way of competition.

If everyone is on twins, will anyone see WSB as a stepping stone to Moto GP where everyone is on 4+ cylinder machines? The only upside is that the domestic BSB championship may benefit further, already Honda offer full factory support, and more may be coming our way, if this proposal is accepted, and whilst it offers great racing on sublime circuits (Cadwell Park anyone?) it has not proved to be of a quality that provides racers who can cut it in Moto GP, e.g. Hodgson, Walker, Haslam, Byrne, Haydon etc. The very limited number of wildcards in WSB due to Pirelli is disappointing already, don’t damage the product further by returning the overwhelming bias back to Ducati again. If the Japanese manufacturers are prepared to commit to WSB then tell Ducati ‘thanks but no thanks’ and let them take their full budget off to Moto GP, we might get a tyre war back at the same time as well.

About 15p judging by the pox of cheap tat that is suddenly being attached to cars. The vast majority of these adornments look like they will struggle to survive to the end of the road let alone the beginning of the World Cup and in the event that England goes all the way to the final, then I believe that the owners of these vehicles will find themselves with their had in their pocket again if they want to continue to proclaim their support as the remnants or their original purchase will be demonstrating it’s non-biodegradability in a ditch, gutter, drain, central reservation, etc. etc. etc. End of.

Blimey, that was close, thought I had missed out on having my two penneth on Prescott!! TB hadn’t mentioned a reshuffle of the pack of deuces and jokers to me at all, still all’s well that ends well, Prezzer still has a job, and a salary, oh, and a ‘grace and favour’ apartment. He just doesn’t have any work to do anymore, unless you call getting a cuppa for TB every now and then work? Is there anyone in HM Govt. more deserving of approbation than Prezzer? Probably not, plenty of challengers for the honour but he still remains the title holder. Yet, is the recent furore surrounding his ‘indiscretion’ a suitable stick on which to put his head? No one has suggested that, what he used to like to call, his work or the public purse was suffering, no security implications. Whether we were getting value for money from fat boy and his office is another debate. So the fact that he was playing hide the salami with someone other than his betrothed is only of concern to his, one has to assume better half. It would be nice, but naive I suspect, to believe the TB canned his sorry ass due to the overall efficiency of his office or the woeful conduct of planning issues within his remit but TB’s obsession with appearance over achievement would suggest that this is another focus group driven decision.

This sort of thing can have far reaching and un-thought of effects; I have a friend who is slightly less rotund, considerably younger, far more intelligent, witty, talented, committed and conscientious who is already having to install many new security devices in order to keep at bay the anticipated stream of mousey, slightly desperate civil servants that must be stampeding to his door!

Quick recount then, two Jags, two faces(min.), one job, one woman(maybe).

And so to the next one. When TB broke off Charles Clarke at the ankles earlier today, another opportunity to resurrect the concept of ministerial responsibility slipped quietly away. Admittedly his value in this regard had diminished by the hour since the rejection of his offer of resignation and I think shows a lack of political nous on the part of CC. He was ‘dead man walking’ from the time that deportation issue entered the public domain, the more so when it was revealed that a significant number of the releases had occurred under his stewardship. The statistics of the issue were so clearly against him, the inevitable fact of reoffending should have been apparent to him before any specifics were revealed. It would have been to his colleagues, who would then only offer token support at best. Even if it hadn’t been thought through by the woodentops, they would be the ones investigating the cases and he has few friends there after forcing the recent drive for reorganisation on them and the media would be all over the issue like a cheap suit. Media would be publishing, woodentops leaking and colleagues sitting on their hands. It was a toss up whether he would be decapitated by one major reoffender or suffer the death of a thousand cuts by the ongoing stream of minor incidents.

Once the cat was out of the bag he should have resigned, not just offeret to, making it clear that he would make himself available to the new incumbent, in any capacity, to take forward the resolution of the matter. It appears to be a noble, self sacrificing move on his part; someone is bound to point out that it was a situation which he inherited, the less charitable may also note that he perpetuated it as well, stretching back as far as Michael Howard; he does not have to appear time and time again to field the continuous parliamentary or media questions on the next case coming to light. He would have helped himself by appearing to take responsibility in a selfless way and limiting the period of rehabilitation on the backbenches, helped the country by going some way towards restoring the concept of ministerial responsibility, but this, conversely, would be viewed as a backward step by the party in power due to the likely exodus of present cabinet incumbents if the principle is to be universally applied in cases of incompetence. An opportunity lost nevertheless.

Look on the bright side CC, just means you’ll have that much longer to ferret out those non-exec directorships you’ve been promising yourself before the inevitable recall to the front bench. If in doubt, David Blunkett will be happy to fill in the details for you. On both counts. End of.

...everyone who was satisfied with their anatomical knowledge as at, say, noon on Sunday, 30th April? And now we are all obliged to absorb copious quantities of specialised detail on a bone in the foot, specifically the 4th metatarsal of a certain Wayne Rooney esq. Stupidly I had consigned all previously acquired knowledge of said bone, in respect of David Beckham, from 2002, to the sharps bin of life and even when Michael Owen inadvisedly kicked a ball, divot, opponent, whatever, and attracted a degree of publicity for this minor skeletal component I still managed to stay in blissful ignorance, but no longer! I have heard everyone’s opinion on this matter from the second semi assistant porter from an abattoir in Cowdenbeath to the most eminent specialist in the land. Enough already, it’s time to man up Rooney! Get on the horn to the ubiquitous supplier of all things sporting, and your boot supplier, Nike, and leaf through their extensive catalogue. Get yourself to the nearest NHS facility and have all those fragments of unreliable calcium based product removed and replaced with a shiny, lightweight and durable Titanium part, suitably embossed with the ‘Swoosh’ of course. Couple of hours under the knife, stitched up, overnight stay and out you go, job's a good ‘un.

Many injuries of this type occurring I understand, is down to the fibresand they use now, the preparation of the pitches, the design of the boot? Or is it due to the withdrawal of free school milk and a calcium deficient diet? Conspiracy theorists, knock yourselves out, but don’t forget to credit me! End of.

I can’t believe I’m starting out my blogging journey with an entry on football. I have a passing interest at best yet I have sufficient interest to be dismayed at the prospect of Steve MacLaren leading the national team. Must look on the bright side though; it does go to show that post-op charisma bypass patients can still find meaningful employment in our society. On the other hand recent performances by his present team leads me to the conclusion that he can’t coach Brits, Southgate, Ehiogu, Riggott to defend but is eminently capable of coaching Australians, Italians & Dutchmen to score. So, eminently qualified to lead England then! End of.

Er, pass. Principally this is just a rant about the news stories, to which I get a frighteningly high exposure, which seem to have no legs at all yet continue to be recycled, spun and regurgitated ad nauseum until, in one variant or another, they have managed to insult the intelligence of everyone exposed to them.

I also hope to look back in years to come, when I have mellowed somewhat, and be horrified at my present state of cynicism!