I have plotted the growth rate at which people are turning down the England manager job, clearly and understandably spooked by having to follow the legendary Minardi, and it would appear that the media will enquire if I am prepared to take on the job at 3.43 a.m. on 29th November. I’ve set my alarm to be ready to take the call, I should be number 34,623,841 on the list of prospective candidates, just after Wee Jimmy Krankie but ahead of Roger De Courcy’s Nookie Bear. Sadly I will have to decline due to my commitment to my present role, unless the contract includes a £2.5m ‘Golden Fuck Off’ clause in the event of manifest incompetence and demonstrable unsuitability for the job from the get go; much like the last contract the F.A. signed for it’s last manager come to think of it. Maybe I should reconsider.